thats what you get..

when you let your heart win..
so, i lied. it does hurt, even a smidge. although, maybe that's better because now i know i actually can still feel for someone more then friendship after all. i knew this would happen all along, so it wont last too long i am sure. i wonder, how am i suppose to feel when you're not here. that might take a little getting use to after the amount of time put in.
so take a seat, we're settleing the final score,
& why do we like to hurt so much?

for waking up in vegas..
now, because everyone has gone & left me. back alley drunk fest saturday night seems like the proper way to deal with the last couple of days doings. mhm.
shut up & put your money where your mouth is,
don't call your mother, cause now we're partners in crime.

standing on the rooftops, everybody scream your heart out!

1. Seeing you was actually a lot harder to do then i thought it might be. I was so ready to be mean and horrible, but once it happend i lost all feeling in my tounge and my stomach actually did a flip. Everyone is always saying "oh guess who i saw today.." and i think the reason that i haven't ever seen you until now is because i was looking for you. It's one of those stupid things. When you stop searching you find what you were looking for all along. I'm glad, in this case that i have stopped looking, even if it ended up that i had to see you to get my closure. However knowing i'm going to see you in a month again, i'm not to fond of. I'll suck it up and stick it out for him, because i do love him & miss him dearly and just a chance to see him is amazing.. You however, take your fish and keep it on the other side of the room from me.I want it to be a good time and partially be my day also, for that sake i will act as mature as possible.

2. I miss you. Plain and simple.

3. I'd like to think i'm immune to this game you're playing, or trying to play with me. It's the story of my life, i already know how it's going to end. What i do however find funny is the fact i think i want to play it back at you in hopes that maybe i'll win. Good thing i havent put 100% into hoping it will turn out for the better, i'm all for breaking your heart.. Game on.

i hate that all the feelings i have bottled up right now are all about males. Get a life.

yucky

basement renovation is the most discusting thing i've seen my whole life. moldy carpet, nasty old shelves that have so much dust on them you can't even see your finger print in it if you touch it! my parents discust me with all the shit they keep. they "need" it all so badly, then just let it sit downstairs and mold. + my dad is such a lazy ass he wont even finish the basement and actually install proper carpet so we get to walk all over nasty old concrete. the damn room is already 20 degrees cooler then the rest of the house. now having nothing to walk on is going to be like 40. awesome..
ugh. i wish we never even started this in the first place unless they'd let my sister and i throw out EVERYTHING we wanted. (which.. actually ends up being mostly everything!) =)

please STOP.

soo, i've been trying to just let things slide for over 2 months now and after tonight i just can't anymore. i can't handle it. i get that i don't have a job (thanks, it's kinda obvious and limits everything i can do..) but don't for a second think i haven't tried. i'm not going to lie and say i've gone out every single day that i've been out of work to go and look for a job. i haven't. but every day at least i'll do an internet search if i dont leave the house to go out and hand out resumes.
I have printed off and handed out over 100 now with no call backs. That obviously doesn't include the numerous places i've applied to online.
I'm not happy. I'm not going to pretend that i am. I am depressed and not having a job is 90% the problem. what is the the other 10% you may ask? ALL OF YOU! the people who say "oh well here or here is hireing, i saw a sign on this place to day". yah i get it. they're hireing. like 800 places are fucking hireing. i have tried. i've applied to superstore (WHO STILL HAS SIGNS OUTSIDE OF IT SAYING NOW HIREING), four times with no returns of a call or anything. so please just STOP! i get you're trying to help, but it really doesn't do anything but make me feel even more gay then i already do.
i have a hard enough time just getting up in the morning with energy because i know i'm just going to be let down during the day by 10 or so places i go and apply at. personally, i believe if you want to be my friend and "help me" tell me i'll be fine. help me deal with the stupid problems that go on in my life, boys, drama etc. help me get through that shit so i can still be strong and look for a job. tell me not that i'll "find something soon" (cause that also is the most annoying line anyone can utter to me lately). i have parents to give me hell and tell me i should find a job, which believe me they do. they're there to breath down my back and keep me going day to day and looking and hoping.
there might not be much hope left in me, but for there sake i try.
again, i appreciate that you people are doing this to "help" but making me upset and feel like shit really isnt helping at all.

"i'm in love with a strippurr"

pole dancing lessons thursdays for 6 weeks.
pretty stoked.
maybe i've found my new profession?
hah. hot...

things have been good.
school starts in may, and i'm so happy its all working out. hopefully this is the start of me getting my life put together.
now to find a part time job to pass the times i'm not at school.. hmm.

friends have been awesome lately. *&hearts*
triple birthday party bash out in banff is going to be the shiiiiiiiit, i can't wait.


ONNNN another note:
i want to get another piercing. + my ears re-done cause they're definately all grown in now.
so.. should it be nose? other side of lip? double up on the lip (2 on same side)? eyebrow? or vertical labrett? hmm hmm hmm.

boys boys boys

so you got what you wanted. i'd say so.
but who's to say i didn't too?
i will kinda miss it though.
woulda been cool if you were actually as grown up as every one believes.
maybe one day.

Change is good.

Although i'm scared as hell, i've decided that this is going to be okay. Change is suppose to be good right? Opening new doors in your life. So i'm going to try it. Even if i come out hurt, at least i know i tried.
I won't let you pull this out from under me.